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Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.
When I hear a person say "My Mom didn`t raise no dummy", I feel like saying "She lied to you"
“Until death do us part” means we’re all single in heaven, right?
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they`re all like "we need to talk."
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
That amazing moment when you smack the remote and it actually works!
I never get caught because I`ve watched all 27 seasons of Cops..
Since they`re loud and heavily scented already, Abercrombie & Fitch stores really are the ideal spot to go fart.
If being an a$$hole was a professional sport, my face would be on a box of wheaties.
Don`t you just want to write on some people`s Facebook wall "you peaked in High School".?
So apparently the security guard at Kroger didn`t believe that life gave me that lemon.
She heard me call her a bitch so now I have 100 problems.
I`ve run out of things to be upset about. I hope Justin Bieber has kids soon.
I`m at my most cardio when I am moving the treadmill into storage