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If I like you, I’ll let you hold the TV remote when we watch TV. If I love you, I won’t take the batteries out of it beforehand.
Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone.. and if I do, I’ll tell them not to tell anyone.
I`m all for the "going green" thing, but I just can`t bring myself to buy toilet paper that says, "100% Recycled."
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Apparently, the answer `I know.` is not a good answer when your friend tells you how awesome his girlfriend is in bed.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy
Every day can be palm Sunday if you`re a single guy
There are over 10 different flavors of Ramen Noodles, yet they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
It`s shocking how much unhappiness is caused by the pressure to be happy.
No matter how much you push the envelope - it`ll still be stationery.
When I say lol, I don`t literally mean I laughed out loud. What I actually mean is that I made a loud outward breath through my nose, similar to a bull.
I`m tired of people assuming I`ve got a good personality because I`m ugly.
My girlfriend is now mad at me because I didn’t know why she was mad at me.
What idiot called it a driver`s test and not a Game of Cones?
When I die, I’d like someone to keep updating my Facebook status, just to freak people out… “Hey, who knew they had Wi-Fi up here?”