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The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to open the vodka is the smartest.
I once tried sniffing coke, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck up my nose.
I tried to log in on my ipad. Turns out it was an Etch-a-Sketch and I don`t own an ipad. Also, I`m out of vodka.
I`ll never understand why single women waste so much time on dating websites when there are so many eligible bachelors right here in this adult bookstore.
Sometimes it’s the little victories, like depositing a dollar to avoid overdraw fees that make me feel like a responsible adult.
I can`t believe it`s been a year since I didn`t become a better person....
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming
All these women on the 48 dating sites I`ve joined, seem so f*cking sad and desperate.
You know why it`s called almond milk? Cuz you can`t say nut juice with a straight face
Men who claim women belong in the kitchen definitely do not know what to do with them in the bedroom!
Avoid hangovers: stay drunk ;)
With my luck, I`ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
It`s not you, it`s me. I can`t stand you.