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A cash bar on parent-teacher conference nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.
The only time I use the word “selfie” is when I am describing my sex life.
Got kicked out of the hospital. Apparently the “head nurse” is just the one in charge of the other nurses.
I bet some of you would absolutely kill it in a race where you had to jump over obstacles while looking at your phone.
Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
My cat’s gonna be homeless unless he comes up with something funny to post on YouTube.
If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you`re wrong. I`m wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.
Shall I compare thee to a Summer`s Eve? For thou art a douche.
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I plan my entire day around the possibility of a nap.
When someone walks away from me shaking their head, I totally agree.
I just found my Christmas Spirit.... It`s been in aisle 6 at this liquor store the whole time!
I don’t think my neighbor watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink. I’ve been here for an hour and I’m still fixing her sink.
My boss yelled at me yesterday "It`s the fifth time you`ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!" I said, "Probably that it`s Friday?"…