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I think the only way I’ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I’m in prison.
Most of being an adult is marveling at the date and saying how fast the year is going by.
Ahhh another Monday at work...... I`m having as much fun as a colorblind person playing Twister!
My email notification is a cricket sound that drives the wife crazy looking for the cricket. Winning!
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated…but can’t pronounce it.
Step aside coffee, this job is going to take hard liquor.
I try to live each day like it`s my last, which is why I rarely have clean socks. Who wants to wash socks on the last day of their life?
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I’m always ready for bed
It’s been “one of those days” for like 3 years now.
I will be thoroughly disappointed if the first human born on Mars isn’t named Marvin.
Trix commercials just teach kids that sharing is bad.
Sometimes my mind wanders, other times it leaves completly. ;)
Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don`t let the balloon touch the floor"
Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.