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Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He`s not ill, just really crappy in bed.
This bartender doesn`t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
One of the most important things in life is perserverance. Hang on...perseveren...no, perserveer...pesever… oh, never mind.....
If others are jealous, you’re doing something right.
My boss just asked me why I wasn`t working.. ..i told em cuz I didn`t see him coming
If I`ve learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven`t figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.
How to get laid: 1)Lay on bed... Wait 1 hour until lay becomes past tense
As I slide down this bannister we call life, you, and you alone, are the splinter in my ass
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers? I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those ... Wait ... Two. I have 2 kids.
When I`m happy, I drink and when I drink, I`m happy. Win/Win!!
After a certain point, the `F` on the thermometer no longer stands for Fahrenheit.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Don`t understand how people in depression commercials can be sad with how attractive they are.
most teens are switching to twitter instead of facebook. noone wants to get on facebook and catch dad pocking mom... if you kno what I mean;)