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Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
Tomorrow I will live in the moment, unless it`s unpleasant, in which case I will eat a cookie.
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Because of tanning beds, 1000 years from now archaeologists will think we used to fry people as punishment.
Why is maple syrup so expensive?.. It grows on trees doesn`t it?
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
I got a lot more sleep back when phones were only used for calling people.
Gun Control: Use both hands
Today I caught myself thinking of you and smiling... but it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
How strange, some guy just waved half of a peace sign at me...
Good neighbors do not put password on their wi-fi.
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I know where you can buy drugs"
If you`re ever sad, just imagine how much worse it would be to be a tree that spent years and years growing up, only to end up as a Justin Bieber notebook
One of the saddest days of my life was when I heard that bears sleep for half the year and I realized I had been born the wrong species