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WebMD needs to add the question "Have you eaten Taco Bell today?" when asking about stomach-related symptoms.
Running away does not help you with your problems, unless you are fat.
Modern video games are giving kids unrealistic standards of how many swords they can carry at one time.
I swear Mosquitos have a chart of the human body they study before they leave their nest...They seem to always bite on the worst possible places.. It`s like they huddle up and make a plan: "Ok Sally, you take the toe knuckles.. Betty, you get the crack behind the knee, Mary, you take the ankles, and I`ll take the finger knuckles..Ready? Break!"
Few things are creepier than someone saying "I know" after you introduce yourself.
When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
I think eating is my kind of sport.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic - Tacs.
Even if your not successful in life , You are guaranteed to get two certificates
Its too damn early. Even the voices in my head are still snoring.
The wife almost caught me browsing on Facebook, but I quickly clicked over to a porn site. That was close.
Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.
"You blew a tranny" means something completely different to an auto mechanic.
I just wanna find a girl who loves me for my money. That way I wouldn`t feel bad for loving her for her body.
Nobody expects you to post brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.