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My girlfriend and I have an open relationship and will continue to do so right up until she finds out.
Sometimes I pretend to be normal. But it gets boring ... so I go back to being me. ;)
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn`t know you did that for fun.
Attention idiots: as you continue to read something clearly addressed to idiots. Idiot.
"I like your tree`s earring." ... "That`s a tire swing."
Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I`ll have to turn to Facebook.
I always tell the person at the drive-thru that they are so much prettier than I pictured them when I was ordering.
How do we know that all the ancient Greek sculptures aren`t just victims of Medusa?
Whenever I delete an App on my iPhone, The shaking icons make me feel like they`re all panicked over who`s getting deleted.
Apparently, "Giant ones" is not the appropriate response to the question, "What are the steps you would take in the event of an emergency?"
Most difficult job ever.......Working in a bubble wrap factory......Imagine the self control needed.
Don’t start an argument with a girl because they have 45030194 GB memories and will bring up something you did at 2:27PM on April 23rd 2008.
Facebook is like a fridge full of old food you know what is in your fridge but still you go and check if it changed.
Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it`s none of my damn business.