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I`m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.
Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, “I thought you were peeing?”
Dear person reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
Velcro is a ripoff
Does Facebook have a “You’re not smart enough to be talking about politics” button?
Come on snooze button, is 9 minutes all you have to offer...I need something in the 2-3 hour range.
My stomach just growled so hard I thought I was getting a text message.
"I know im the best driver on the road" thinks every guy.
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
If I didn`t drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
Thank god we don`t send messages with pigeons anymore. Where would I find 200 pigeons every day?
Organized people are just to lazy to look for things.
My blood hound was just attacked by a Crip hound.
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.