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is pretty sure there´s a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking...And I plan on finding out what that is.
Conspiracy theory for conspiracy theorists: Your conspiracy theories were planted by the government to distract you from real conspiracies.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Lady: what Colour are my eyes? Man: 34D
If you don`t have anything nice to say, say it anyway, `cause it might be really really funny.
Just in: Chinese people confirm they were just messing with us with chopsticks. "You guys look like dumb idiots lol" says one Chinese guy
Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working.
Just changed my wireless network name in my apartment to "I can hear you having sex through the ceiling and it sounds mediocre."
Saying you like one political party over another, is like saying one filthy whore is prettier than the other filthy whore.
Sometimes I think these Kardashians are just doing stuff for the attention.
My favorite thing about working out is the part where I decide not to.
Friends are like slinkys, they are twisted as heck but you can`t help but laugh when they fall down the stairs.
Love your neighbor. But don`t get caught.
I love giving orders. My favorite is "Another one. And make it a double."
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.