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I can´t wait until Weight Watchers comes out with a beer.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some sh!t.
I took a poll recently, and 100% of strippers were angry they had nothing to dance on.
i dont drink any more and yet again i dont any less either
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream. Bring it.
Nothing is more discouraging that unappreciated sarcasm.
On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with `unsubscribe`
LOL` the biggest lie on the internet.
Everything is legal when the cops aren`t around.
The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she’s never around when I’m awake.
The success of a marriage hinges entirely on the ability to know which of your wife’s clothing is okay to go into the dryer.
Every night before bed I do this cute little thing where I stare at the Internet for 6.5 hours
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
I like to say "Do I smell popcorn?" right after I fart ..that way everyone quickly takes a deep breathe.
I`m at that "licking peanutbutter off a spoon" time to go grocery shopping point....