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Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
Love is grand. Divorce is 100 grand.
Professor X can move anything with his mind... except his legs.
Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.
I just want one spam email that`s like, "Congratulations! You have a perfect-sized p*nis."
Its O.K. to laugh during sex … just don’t point ! ... trust me
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
Why is it that whenever I have to turn around in a strange driveway, I feel like they`re gonna come running out with pitchforks and torches?
When I`m bored, I send a random text to a random number saying "I hid the body... now what?"
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.
Hooters does have hot girls, but the Subway girls are the real wife material.
No means no! Unless she`s dyslexic; then it`s on!