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Don`t do anything you`re not prepared to explain to a paramedic...
There are no bad pictures; that’s just how your face looks sometimes.
You know what’s funnier than watching someone trip and fall? Absolutely nothing!
My doctor said I`m healthy enough for sexual activity ... I`m just not attractive enough.
Do u ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they arent talking?
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you..
Without stupid people we would have no one to laugh at.
Just been wondering what "please Do Not Touch" would be in Braille
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years? Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
If I pretend to be dead will you stop talking?
I really want to take photos of my friends with their face smushed against glass.. Then make that pic my phone contact for them.. Then when they call, it will look like they`re trapped inside my phone! Oh god my life is pitiful, kill me..
If you get excited that jumping on the bed won`t spill the wineglass on the other side, you`re probably an alcoholic.
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
Today is boozeday, I mean Tuesday...same difference!
Relationships would be easier if people came with a "Clear History" button.