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Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
You`re from my dreams... Or nightmares. I can`t decide which.
I wish I could just “like” a text so I don’t have to respond.
I hate when I put food in the microwave & it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it’s cold like why you gotta play me like that.
Nothing like working out to make you feel like you deserve that burger and fries.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn`t use Real dinosaurs.
If rolling your eyes burned calories, Facebook would be my gym.
The first 30 years of childhood are always the hardest.
I know the light has changed twice people but I`m playing air drums until Moby Dick is over...sit back and enjoy the show please...
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She`s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don`t negotiate with terrorists!!
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don’t do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!
I can keep a secret… It’s all the other people I tell it to who can’t.
the only way I know something is bad for me is if I like it