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When you`re trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you`re probably drunk.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
If you tell someone your Birthday and they automatically know your astrological sign, run as fast as you can away from them.
I may not be the richest guy...or the smartest guy...or the funniest guy...or the best-looking guy...or the .....:( Forget it, now I`m depressed.
I`m as conflicted as a strip club addict with a glitter allergy.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
There should be an observation deck at Walmart.
You know what`s beautiful? Read the first word again.
Relationships always start out as "You`re smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it`s all a joke to you!"
I wish that some of my coworkers were not allowed in the break room because those are the people I need a break from.
If pigs could fly, nobody would be eating chicken wings.
For the life of me, I can’t understand why small and medium pizzas exist.
News flash! someone just found Carmon Sandiego!
I always wanted to buy a Parrot and teach it to say, "Help, they`ve turned me into a parrot!"
Yo fellas, how did that “wow” comment you left on that girls Facebook picture play out?