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I know I`m in trouble when the voice in my head starts using my middle name
I worry about what my rubber ducky thinks about me when I`m naked 0.0
Why do restaurants always say "Shirt and Shoes Required" but never say anything about pants?
People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.
That weird feeling when you wake up from a nap & you don`t whether it`s am or pm or what day, month, or year it is.
I don`t always get to drink free beer... But I just happen to know my neighbor went to the night shift, and I saw him filling his fridge today.
The skeletons in your closet are suggesting that you upgrade to a double wide, walk-in.
My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except those between my eyebrows. Those are my `WTF` lines and those things are deep.
I`ve been hiding from exercise ... I`m in the fitness protection program.
I`ve spent the past four years looking for my ex-wife`s killer, but no one will do it.
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
Keep scrolling , I got nothing.
Most of my colleagues and friends can`t spell colleagues or friends.
When I "rage against the machine" the machine is usually a printer.
The only difference between McDonald`s and my work is McDonald`s has only got one clown running the show.