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Contrary to popular belief, it`s actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
I was going to write something profound and memorable here, but I can`t remember what it was.
Are the ATF and border patrols also shutdown? Asking for a Mexican friend....
Go through a fast food drive thru. When they repeat your order back to you, say "And can I get that to go?" and enjoy the confused silence.
One day my fridge will take revenge on me by opening my bedroom door every half hour, staring at me for a few minutes and then leave.
I can`t decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke.
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing aggravates them so much. But if you really want to piss them off tell them you will pray for their souls.
My alarm clock is clearly jelouse of my amazing relationship with my bed.
It`s a bad sign when your credit card bill has a comma and your bank statement doesn`t!
Suddenly my prison fantasy football league just got real.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Im just waiting for the day for Ashton Kutcher to go to Charlie Sheen and say "its stilll your show. YOU JUST BEEN PUNK`D!"
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?