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Caught myself yelling "F*CK YOU" to my burrito for dripping on my pants, if you were wondering who`s raising the next generation.
Someday we’ll look back on all this and pretend not to remember it.
Let`s party like there`s no tomorrow and call in sick if there is one.
I`m as conflicted as a strip club addict with a glitter allergy.
You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.
That very akward moment when Shakirah`s hips lie!
Does "Can I take your order?" sometimes mean "Let`s start a new life together" or am I reading too much into this?
If you want to set up a company and run it then that`s your business.
This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she`s never broken a lawnmower before.
Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I`m not beating her.
The guy who used to proofread Hitler`s speeches was the first grammar Nazi.
Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” .... I said, “I am.”
Just looked at the price of baby strollers. I think were gonna have an indoor baby.
If you think about it, before the first mirror was invented, if you didn’t live near a body of water, you had no idea what you looked like.
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever.