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Her: Do I look fat? Him: Do I look stupid?...
Turns out that my get rich painfully slow scheme isn`t working out either.
Who needs a social life when you have Netflix and a fridge full of food?
Tire rotation? Nice try, mechanic! I rotated my tires like a thousand times on the drive over here.
I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th, because I know how to reduce fractions unlik the rest of you morons.
I`m so broke that I can`t even pay attention!
Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
You’d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
I was told today to look at my life from a different perspective. I`m lying on the floor now and the shit still looks f*cked up.
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time...
Come on Facebook friends. Be honest with me. Does my butt make my pants look fat?
I`d engage you in a battle of wits, but I`m afraid you`re unarmed.
Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you`re no detective
I paid My 11 year old $10 to do the dishes, then on her way to the bathroom I mugged her...because, you know, life lesson.
It`s always fun to act like you don`t see the person running to catch the elevator your in just as the door starts closing.