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Do gun manuals have Trouble Shooting sections?
When I see you in hell I`ll still ignore you
Do you think retailers in Colorado have seen an increase in the sales of Easy Bake ovens and Brownie mix?
My weekends are basically just spent splitting a bloomin` onion with my bros at Outback Steakhouse while trying to figure out why girls don`t like us.
Today is Valentine’s Day or as I call it… Tuesday.
What do they give the person that has everything? antibiotics
I would’ve slept my way to the top years ago if it actually involved sleeping.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I`m trying to unlock it more than two times, I`m driving off without you.
HANGOVER!!!!! it`s God`s way of sayin "u kicked a$$ last night"
I’m no Dr. Phil, but I bet if you tell at least 5 people to f*ck off today, you’ll feel better.
I have never met a woman without wondering what her box of cookie recipes looks like.
Drunk me absolutely loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
I can`t afford to go on vacation these days,so I just drink until I don`t know where the duck I am or how I got there.
Either I wrote a bunch of drunken Facebook status updates last night, or my dog has finally figured out the computer.
Friends are like boobs. Some are real, some are fake