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In sign language, arthritis is a speech impediment.
My life is like a romantic comedy expect there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Chasing your dreams is hard... especially when that damn alarm keeps going off
Yes Grandma, I`m almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq
I`d be amazing at life if I was only asked to sit and play on the computer all day.
"I`ll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse
The worst thing about renting movie from a Red Box is that a $1 late fee isn’t enough motivation to get off the couch.
I’m that kind of person who between two choices always pick the wrong one.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024....
I add "Drink Beer" to my weekend to-do list so I know I`ll at least get one thing done.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Yesterday my Supervisor asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
Life is short, Smile while you still have teeth.
Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.