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Offering someone food and secretly hoping they say no.
I`m glad it`s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
I`m pretty sure my laundry breeds while I sleep.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
The monent of triumph when your bag is the first off the plane.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man
The average man thinks about sex every tits seconds
Wish some of my co workers weren`t allowed in the break room... Because that`s who I usually need a break from.
A small child called 911 upon seeing a zebra because he thought a horse escaped from jail
You think you love your family but suddenly there`s three of you and one remaining slice of pizza.
Sometimes, my greatest accomplishment is just keeping my mouth shut.
There are 10 types of people in the world, Those that understand binary, and those who don`t.