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Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn`t have said.
Insomnia causes questionable browser history.
I forgot to make a resolution, so I`m pretty much going to just write out everything I did last night and add the word "stop" to the beginning.
I get a little nervous eating cucumber in a single woman`s home.
He died doing what he loved: telling me I`m overreacting.
Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.
I have no idea what a bejeezus is,,, but apparently mine scares easy.
why do people with bad teeth always have a smile on there face
Just once I`d like a doctor to tell me I`m not getting enough beer in my diet.
If a cannibal is late for dinner, do they give him the cold shoulder?
Sometimes I zone out and forget what I’m supposed to be doing, and then I remember and take a drink of my beer.
Thanksgiving: "Let`s give thanks for the stuff we have." Black Friday: "Ok, let`s get all new stuff."
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Apparently asking girl scouts which cookie pairs nicely with whiskey is inappropriate....
I bet the women who only post about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.