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“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
Sometimes I think if it weren`t for the gutter my mind would be homeless...
Summer is real cool until every f*ckin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell.
Should have never gave my cat a lemon, now he’s walking around like a sour puss.
GIRLS: To make a guy panic, simply ask, " Notice anything different?`... works EVERY time
Has marriage been on Mythbusters yet?
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
This year thousands of men will die from stubbornness....NO WE WON`T!!
There`s always cake to celebrate happy moments, but I really think cake would do better during the bad times. Got fired? Have a cake.
When someone tells you they are getting a divorce, a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told, twice now.
*Knocks on door* Hey open up. You didn`t reply to my last 43 inbox messages & then you updated about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?
My life is based on a true story
Marry someone who can cook. Love fades, hunger doesn`t.
If I was on drugs, this post would be amazing.