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When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
Exercise... the poor person`s plastic surgery
I`m looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math...
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
Everyone can stop painting. We all have cameras that can take perfect pictures of everything.
Awkward moment when you don’t know if you were offered gum out of generosity or if your breath stinks.
What if Deja Vu meant you lost a life and you are starting back off at your last checkpoint.
Well, THAT Jehovah`s Witness isn`t going to forget anytime soon what they witnessed when I answered the door.
Of course morning sex is better. You haven`t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
If you need time alone, announce that it`s time to clean the house.
Speed bumps can turn into speed ramps depending on who`s car I`m borrowing.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn`t mean I`m stalking you...It just means you haven`t looked nice in awhile
Remember when waking up early on Saturday mornings involved cartoons and not untagging photos on Facebook?
Just heard someone pronounce the H in wheel so I`m gonna need a minute
You´re never too old to learn something stupid.