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Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
I`m a bitch ... What`s your excuse?
Immature is a word boring people use to describe fun people.
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
There`s no b, c, d, f, g, h, j, k, l, n, o, p, q, r, s, u, v, w, x, y, or z in team either.
I don`t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
H&R Block said I won`t get nearly as much back in taxes this year because apparently the neighbors want to claim their own children.
I don`t know if I have a stalker, but if I do could you drop off some beer? Thanks
I`m a responsible person. People are always saying "I know you`re responsible for this."
Moving all my retirement funds into a Colorado snack machine franchise.
I`ll go to great lengths to scavenge other devices for batteries, before I will go out to buy new ones
You don`t need training to be a street cleaner, you just pick it up as you go along.
You´re never too old to learn something stupid.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Is your drama going to have an intermission soon? I need to pee.