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Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
Who do Walmart shoppers make fun of?
My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he`s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
Started a new exercise routine yesterday. So far I`ve only missed one day.
You should probably take everything I say with a grain of salt. And lime. And shot of tequila.
The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I`ve decided to start growling.
Sometimes I think "What would Dexter do"?
Good morning to some...Hello to others...And f*uck you to the rest!!
When she says she`s madly in love with you, concentrate more on the word madness.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sandwiches are tasty, rhyming is hard
Saw a bird sh*t on my car, so I ate scrambled eggs on my front step, just to show him what I`m capable of.
My girlfriend is now mad at me because I didn’t know why she was mad at me.
A panda never pays his bills, because he eats shoots and leaves!!!
Word for today: Dipshidiot
Right now my glass is half empty...Hey Bartender!!!