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You`ve reached the limitations of my medications.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I`m always tempted to yell "Kevin!" mid-flight.
Why I stay slim? I once was forced to pay for two plane tickets, one for a person who wasn`t travelling with me. That`s why.
My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.
Here`s to ignoring our real problems and getting outraged about something on the internet.
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it`s only because I have bad aim.
I’m drinking because you’re talking.
I think the Worst Part about admitting you are an Alcoholic ..is People expect you to Quit Drinking.
I would lose weight, but I hate losing..
The best part about being over 40 is we did most of our stupid stuff before the internet.
The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.
Hey mother in law.... Don`t tell me how to raise my kids. Im still trying to raise yours.
My house is not a mess. It`s just that everything is on display for your viewing pleasure. Like a museum.
So apparently airport security doesn`t like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.