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Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they`re not passing you some fake sh!t.
You know it`s been a good day when you finally take your pajamas off - and put some new ones on.
At this point I`m guessing the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they completely lost their minds
*accidentally answers phone call* ... *pretends to be answering machine*
I`ve been hiding from exercise. I`m in the fitness protection program.
Somehow the talk went a little wrong with my 7 year old and now he`s convinced that birds have sex with bees and now he won`t eat honey.
Thank you for informing me that you have a stick figure family of 6 and a dog. Your minivan had me under the impression that you were wild and single.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
Don’t jump to confusions.
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
There`s no room in my life for B.S. ... Unless it`s burritos oand salsa
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
I dont run from my problems, I chase them ... with alcohol
I googled "cigarette lighter" and got 150000 matches.