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Are nap dates a thing? Because that`s something I can work with...
He turned to her, ran his hand up her thigh, across her belly and down her legs. When he turned back to watch TV, she asked "Why stop?" "I found the remote!" he replied.
Seems like we would be just fine with about half as many types of pasta
Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I`m like, "Nope. I`m good."
If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the f*ck is in a can of Raid?
Maybe the cost of a barrel of oil wouldn’t be so expensive if Donkey Kong didn’t waste thousands of them in the `80s throwing them at Mario.
Apparently some strangers don’t need a hug.
I got so drunk last night I tried picking up every woman in the bar and now my back is killing me!
Cheers to alcohol! The cause of, and solution, to all of life’s problems!
I just put Santa hats on all my Halloween decorations.
That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn`t get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn`t brushed her teeth in forever.
I`m the perfect man if you don`t factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.
We didn`t take a video recording of our child`s birth but we have some awesome video of his conception.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor`s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right