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Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, "Please wear."
Do you ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they aren`t talking?
None of the animals I designed and invented are at the zoo. Do they even check the suggestion box?
Someday you may lose your hair, you may lose your teeth, your money and even lose your mind. But one thing you will never lose – your good looks, coz you can never lose what you don’t have!
You haven`t truly made it on YouTube until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
If practice makes perfect, one day I will make the perfect mistake.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
My cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it`s giving me serious ideas, folks
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Which one of you is Moderation? I keep getting told we need to drink together.
WOULD YOU RATHER: have six arms or giant antlers? (You don’t really get a choice; the surgeons were just sort of curious.)
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you`ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
I just got an email telling me how I can have fuller, firmer breasts. I can`t wait to show them to my wife!!
I`ve accidentally swallowed a load of scrabble pieces.........My next poop could spell trouble.
You´re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!