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Before I die, I`m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
Well, one week smoke free, only 4 dead, 27 injured… not bad…
Our office just got a new conference table. It sleeps 20.
I don´t like to think of myself as "Special"... I think I would call me a limited edition.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out?
I still believe in love. But I also believe in sasquatch, nessy, and that I could win the lottery. So there`s that....
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend.......who`s in with me?
The more I know, the more I forget! The more I forget the less I know! The less I know, the less I forget! The less I forget, the more I know!!!
I dont think I could ever stab someone.. I barely can get the straw into a Capri Sun.
I don’t care if it’s 1 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.
My Superpower is eating 5 times the "suggested serving" size.
These bar stools are creaky!! [continues to fart on first date]
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn`t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn`t her grandmother.