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Jerry: Tom, you are a genius!.. Tom: Yeah, I am called that a lot... Jerry: What? Genius?... Tom: No, `Tom`
The adult version of Operation is trying not to break a tortilla chip while dipping it into a jar of salsa.
Save your little napkin, bartender. I don’t plan on having this drink long enough to set it down.
If I rapped I would have to start doing way more stuff because only so many things rhyme with couch.
The awkward moment when you’re that one friend who always gives relationship advice but is still single.
If you`re going to be stupid, don`t do it on Facebook.
Just in case you are wondering ... I did not go to Jared.
Roses are red, this much is true, Violets are purple, not f*cking blue
How many Oreos is too many?...Is it 25?...I feel like it should be more than 25
Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
lifes like a box of chocolates, never know whatcha gonna get (:
The saddest thing about St. Patrick`s Day is taking down all my Christmas decorations.
Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.
I`m angrier than a waitress forced to sing happy birthday
My life coach just informed me that I didnt make the team