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This bartender doesn`t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
I do all of my ironing in the dryer.
If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "there´s one."
I am the bestest at the English language...
Chuck Norris doesn`t flush the toilet...he just scare the sh!t out of it.
Nothing changes a Facebook relationship status faster than a weekend full of tagged photos!
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I’m right.
you know that awkward moment when you think someone`s talking to you so you reply to them and then they look over at you with that disgusted facial expression that says "wtf ..no"
Choosing A Career Is Like Chosing A Wife From 10 Girls. Even If You Pick The Most Beautiful, Intelligent, Kindest Woman, There`s Still Pain Of Losing The Other 9
If two cannibals fight, does that make it a food fight?
If those Febreeze commercials with rooms filled with stinking, rotting garbage convince you to buy their product. Here`s a heads up for you........ You need to clean your freaking house!!!
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a break and enter.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says "Please give me a hand" is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
The sun and I have an understanding. He gets up before I do.