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Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
I heard someone say their podcast was on "hiatus", guess that sounds better than "my mom took away my laptop".
My wife and I are dieting now… and by dieting, I mean we’re not telling each other about the junk food we eat.
To say I wasted today would be a huge insult to the producers of the 3 movies I watched.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What`ve you got?
You`re probably wondering how I post so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, `Well, she`s there`
Helpful Tip : Never ask the cop to hold your beer while you dig out your drivers license.
I hope I can still remember the dance to Thriller when I become a Zombie.
Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.
I am upping my standards.. so up yours!
You seem to have a good grip on reality. You`re new here, aren`t you?
Setting an alarm is how we ruin days that haven`t even started yet.
My Superpower is eating 5 times the "suggested serving" size.
My 5 year plan is to watch Netflix. All of it.