Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I try to get in at least 30 minutes of talking about exercise every day.
I made a chicken salad today... The little bastard didn`t even eat it.
Do you ever notice that when you´re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
Sometimes it’s the little victories, like depositing a dollar to avoid overdraw fees that make me feel like a responsible adult.
Dude, I can`t post AND know when the light turns green. I`m pretty, not magical.
That disappointing moment when you pull up to work and it`s not fully engulfed in fire.
In hell you`re always trying to spread butter that`s too cold.
My GPS says "time of arrival" ... I see "time to beat."
Pretty sure I look forward to my boss` vacation`s more than he does.
Tip for Sunday Church: Don`t forget to keep your phones on silent, especially if your ringtone is `I like big butts and I do not lie!`
My wife said to go out and buy something that makes her look hot & sexy for Valentine`s Day! So I got drunk.
If you`re not afraid when someone is flipping through the photos on your phone then you`re probably boring.
And then God said, "Seems unfair to have given man an extra limb so to balance it out I`ll give women the power over which to control it."
I am NOT high maintenance, I simply have more preferences than most.