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This debt collector was just so surprised I answered my phone that they stuttered and hung-up lmao!!
They don`t make pizza or beer out of celery. And that is all you need to know about celery.
Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.
I`m bringing sexy back...if I only I can remember where I had it last....
Stapling water to a tree is easier than controlling your laughter at serious times.
FB friends, please let me know if you own one of those cool little Smart cars so I can unfriend you.
Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days.
It`s gonna be hotter than Billy Ray Cyrus after watching his daughters performance on the VMA`s tomorrow!
I’m glad we don’t have to hunt for our food any more. I don’t even know where sandwiches live...
Think about how much more stressful life’s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
That Awkward Moment when you’re being sarcastic and someone believes you.
If only mosquitoes sucked fat, instead of blood.
My best stories always end with the words ... "and then I got the hell out of there."
The problem with reality is that there’s no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.