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What thinks the unthinkable? An itheberg.
When I see people drinking at 11 am on a Friday I`m like, where do you work and are they hiring?
Man, those 2013 Mayan Calenders are REALLY hard to find...
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults - $9.00, Under 12 - $ 6.00, Under 3 - $249.00
I wish I had the confidence of a male flight attendant
Relationships always start out as "You`re smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it`s all a joke to you!"
Today I saw a cat with three legs, which was much better than finding the alternative, just a cat`s leg.
People are like snowflakes. If you piss on them they go away.
Just tore the tag off my mattress and there’s nothing the feds can do about it. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
I wish my bank account refilled as fast as my laundry basket.
B is the best letter of the alphabet: Boobs, Buns, Booty, Booze, Beer, Bourbon, and Bacon.
If you have a Selfie Stick Pro, go back two spaces.
I Don`t Care If you Don`t Like Me .. Iam Not A Facebook Status :D
To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Sunday morning: Try holding the other end.
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.