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Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she`s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
I always keep a Mexican restaurant on speed dial in queso emergency.
When we give each other a thumbs up, it`s our way of mocking every other animal on earth.
You have got to have worse hand-eye coordination than a lama on crack
I don`t think I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this unmedicated.
I`m getting sick of seeing all these lyric status`s, it reminds me of somebody that I used to know.
I was reading that it takes the average man four minutes to have sex, and he’s asleep eight minutes after that. This sounds very dangerous, because by then most men are driving home.
A house is not a home until you can find all light switches in the dark.
I wish Monday was a figment of my imagination.
I don`t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.
If you are offended by the words "In God We Trust" on your money, then send it to me. I don`t mind it at all.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. And the good news is, that`s pretty much everything.