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I clean my house like everyone else ... 5 minutes before someone comes over.
Laxatives............for people who don`t give a crap.
This complimentary lemonade at the doctor`s office tastes funny.
Do you ever just get a random burst of motivation to clean your house, write a novel, paint a masterpiece or read a book ... Yeah, me neither.
Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.
Screw getting an alarm system. I`ve seen Home Alone, I know what to do.
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
I may not be a veterinarian, but I know a horses a$$ when I meet one.
Never forget that we live in a world in which it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract.
If money can’t buy happiness explain pizza.
"Truth or dare" should be renamed to "Interrogation or Humiliation"
Actions speak louder than passive aggressive Facebook statuses.
Any convenience store that requires the customer to wear pants isn’t convenient at all.
If it doesn’t involve food or sleep, I’m probably not interested.
I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.