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Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor`s coupons?
Sometimes I speak in a different font but no one ever notices.
It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
I`ve had like 10 red bulls, so of course I`m vacuuming the front yard.
Attention!! Today I am traveling back in time to right some wrongs in this world. You will know I succeeded if the Germans lost WW2 and that Thursday comes before Wednesday.
Yawning is our body`s way of saying 20% of battery remaining
Todays Relationships: You can touch each other but not each others phones.
I just burned 1200 calories! I forgot about the pizza in the oven.
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
A touching letter by a little girl to Santa on Christmas: Dear Santa, Please give clothes to all those poor ladies in daddy`s laptop
I know the voices aren`t real, but man do they come up with some great ideas.
I can’t believe that all these “single ladies in my area” want to meet me, must be due to all the “free Ipads” I’ve been winning.
I can`t help but smile when I see a woman wearing a Supertramp Concert t-shirt
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn`t met me yet
I just bought a house, car and a boat with no payments until 2013. Those f`ing Mayans better be right…