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I have a new rule: No one is allowed to talk to me for a minimum of 24 hours after I wake up.
I met a woman on a dating site that said she was high maintenance when I finally saw her it looked more like she was in need of major repairs
You really understand how drunk you are when you`re peeing...
If Harry Potter is so magical then why can’t he fix his eye sight?
The only thing worse than having a song stuck in your head for an entire day is not knowing the name of the song.
Shout out to bees, willing to kill themselves just to inconvenience a hater.
whoever snuck the `s` in fast food is a clever person
The trouble with bucket seats is that, not everybody has the same size bucket.
I know the voices aren`t real, but man do they come up with some great ideas.
A coworker just wrote "Retard" on the windshield of my car. It`s taken me over an hour to lick it off!
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
If I had three wishes, I`d use one for boobs. Because I`m pretty sure I could get everything else that I wanted if I had boobs.
We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can’t come, let me know.
You should never answer your phone during sex, particularly if it`s your wife calling.
Growing up teachers always told me there was no such thing as a stupid question. Eight years in retail has determined that was a lie.