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it`s not that I`m bad at remembering names, I`m just awesome at forgetting them.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller.” ~Mario
Some people just need sympathetic pat.........on the head........with a hammer
More tattoo artists really just need to say "No, I`m not doing that."
My New Year`s resolution is to stop pointing my car alarm remote at my apartment front door expecting to unlock it
is spending my children´s inheritance.
I used to care ... but I take a pill for that now.
Did you hear that? That was the sound of soccer being irrelevant in the US for another 4 years..
Mo’ money, mo’ problems. This explains why I don’t have problems.
It`s so nice to come home and relax with Facebook after a long day at the office being on Facebook.
I would lose weight, but I hate losing..
Office thermostats only have 2 settings: hell fire and hypothermia.
If your girlfriend says she`s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall...You might be dating my wife.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn`t really work otherwise.
Why do they call it "Jew-ish"? Are they not Jew enough?