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If you love something set it on fire, if it... no wait, is that right? sh!t! Be right back...
Lazy is a very strong word, I like to call it “selective participation.”
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.
You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer, but you can`t take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?
Ya know once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it´s hard to get it back in.
A lie is just a great story that someone ruined by telling the truth.
On your deathbed tell everyone "pray for me" then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says "pray harder next time."
If we start calling it `potato juice`, Vodka becomes a health drink. RIGHT?
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it`s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans." All I hear is "there`s a bear out there that knows how to use matches."
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
Telling me to calm down is the easiest way to get me to tell you to go f*ck yourself.
A cross-eyed teacher has no control over her pupils
I only party on 2 occasions. 1. When it’s my birthday 2. When it’s not…