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Ask your doctor if walking blindly into traffic is right for you
When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I`m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
The more I drink, the more I realize how much more I still want to drink.
On the bright side, all that coal will keep me warm this winter.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I`m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Siblings – the only people who will pick on you and then kick the a$$es of anyone else who does it.
This hot fudge sundae hasn`t killed me so it must be making me stronger.
I`m kind of like Hugh Hefner. Only without the mansion, the exotic cars, the girls, the magazine and the money. Basically, I`m just a guy in a bathrobe.
If you go to dinner alone always ask for a table for two. Look sad as you eat and you will almost always get a free dessert
My 17yo pretends he doesn`t understand how the washer works when I ask him to do the laundry Congrats, you`re finally a man
I almost forgot to upload a pic of my Starbucks coffee. What a waste of coffee that would have been!
"This is groundbreaking stuff." - Inventor of the shovel
See, I would run, but it`s usually bodies of joggers that are found dead in the woods.
I`m glad I don`t work in an office. I can only imagine the smell at lunch time when everybody opens their egg salad sandwiches today.