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Insanity means never having to say “I’m Guilty”.
I`ve been hiding from exercise. I`m in the fitness protection program.
I`ve grown up a lot recently. For example, I used to drink beer all day and now I drink wine.
I can`t find my happy place this morning, mind if I goto yours
whenever I take my clothes off the shower usually gets turned on
That awkward moment when Adele finds someone like me
Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there`s an idiot pulling a door that says "PUSH"..
The girls who don’t get a rose on The Bachelor should automatically get a cat.
It´s not that I hate you, it´s just.. well I´ll put it this way.. if you were on fire & I had water, I´d drink it.
Sometimes i wish i was an octopus, so i can slap eight people @ once!
Some life lessons are so profound; you only need to do them one time. Putting Icy Hot on my balls, for example …
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar* *Snickers*
Just once, I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f*ck..."
Our kids biggest challenge will be to find a username that`s not already taken.
I don`t need a New Years Resolution, I`m already awesome!