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I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?
Since you were smiling when you tazed me, I`m guessing we still have a chance.
Whenever someone says, "Have a good one." I always respond with, "I have a good one, I just wish it were longer."
I think I’m allergic to mornings.
Clearly, it is wrong to describe woman`s menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.
I remember when going viral meant having to tell several people they better get tested.
Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.
I read somewhere that we only use 10% of our brains. I wonder what the other half is for?
Always end a conversation with "gotta run" so people think you`re into fitness
? Single ? Taken ? Depends on who`s asking.
Currently under the influence of cold and flu medicine...my actions can not be held against me!
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
Thought I was having deja-vu. But it turns out, I do the exact same things every day.
It`s a good thing the gas station is open today...... I still have time to do my Christmas shopping.
When I die, I’d like someone to keep updating my Facebook status, just to freak people out… “Hey, who knew they had Wi-Fi up here?”