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I`ll never have a kid as cool as the one my parents did…
I wasn`t even going for broke. But I got it!
On my tombstone I want it to say: ‘I didn’t forward the text message to 15 friends.” ;)
Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
Shhh...you had me at "alcohol may intensify effect..."
The only problem with using the treadmill is that you can`t run from your own farts.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn`t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
If you knew what I considered to be my "best behavior" it`s doubtful you`d advise me to be "on it".
I`m sorry call me old fashioned,but i think your shorts should be longer than your vagina...
I`m pretty sure by now “lazy” is just part of my personality description.
I like to think I`m special, because the thought of idiots like me existing in large numbers is f*cking terrifying.
Beer doesn’t have that many vitamins in it…that’s why you have to drink a lot.
I`ll be drinking tell I see Leprechauns tonight.
I`m really sick of responsibility ... and underwear
Of course I like you, I gave you that roofie didn`t I?