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I fell asleep on the couch last night & woke up thinking I was married.
No one is more confident than a drunk girl wearing a guy’s hat sideways.
I’m too young to be too old for everything.
Don’t judge someone because they sin differently than you.
I`m really tired but it`s OK. There`s a nap for that.
How long have I been working here? ... Ever since they threatened to fire me.
ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!
I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.
Pork is awesome, but it`s best when used as a verb.
"It gotten SOOO cold in D.C., politicians have their hands in their OWN pockets!"
I forgot to post this earlier
Pokémon means a totally different thing if you`re stuck in prison.
Unless you are selling Thin Mints, don’t ever knock on my door.
When I think of all the money I`ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80`s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.