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Of course I’ll buy a polished rock made into a necklace. I’m on vacation, aren’t I?
I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.
if your happy and you know it ---thank your ex
The good thing about being 6' 6? is that if I develop a bald patch, no one will see it..Unless you’re using Google Earth.
Perfect has 7 letters and so does meeeeee ....Coincidence? I think not.
I like to go on drunk facebook post binges, then claim the next day that someone hacked my account.
My resume is basically just a list of things I hate to do.
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn’t stolen.
90% of the apps on my phone don’t do anything except send me notices that there’s a new version of itself.
I`d imagine the only thing worse then getting your period is not getting your period.
When I wake up at night, I reach out to you, I love you not for what you look like, I love you for what you have inside - Me to my fridge
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor’s trash so you don’t get robbed.
Pizza: Round food, cut into triangles and put into a square box.
I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but I’m the only one that matters.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.