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There are no bad pictures. That`s just how your face looks sometimes.
Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor`s coupons?
I love how stars are billions of miles apart and we`re like "that`s a soup ladle".
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push
We should really thank our Dads for bringing us into this world since our Moms were probably tired and not in the mood.
My New Year`s resolution is to stop pointing my car alarm remote at my apartment front door expecting to unlock it
No pants are the best pants.
I think I`m gonna glue my thumbs to my nipples and pretend I`m a T-Rex.
I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid. And some I’d love to punch them in the face.
No way I’m the only one who crosses their fingers, closes their eyes & holds their breath when checking their account balance.
My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except those between my eyebrows. Those are my `WTF` lines and those things are deep.
I’m not a schizophrenic… At least, that’s what all the voices tell me.
I feel like I have not told enough people lately to kiss my mother f*cking a$$.
If you live up be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people… like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.
If there`s anything I`ve learned in my 27 years, it`s to never admit your real age.