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My life`s paradox: I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
You can’t call them “love handles” if nobody loves you
Keychains were invented so that you can lose all of your keys at once.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste and texture of pizza.
Guys are excellent cooks. With two eggs, a sausage, & a little bit of milk...they can keep a girl`s stomach full for 9 months.
That disappointing moment when you pull up to work and it`s not fully engulfed in fire.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.
Roses are red, Violets are blue... Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you thought this would be something sweet and charming, but it`s just some garden facts.
Mirrors don`t lie. Lucky for you, they can`t laugh either.
Shout-out to nature for not giving wings to snakes
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
You know you`re an alcoholic when the only Holiday cards that you get are from your neighborhood pubs.
Frozen water balloon fights... not a good idea.
I`m returning these Gushers. They taste like sh!t. "Sir. Those are paintballs." Oh. I`m returning these paintballs. Someone ate a few.
Moral compass? Is there an app for that?