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I`ve decided to go my own way and think "inside the box" to be different ... Wow its dark in here!
Salad tastes pretty good once you add some pizza and get rid of the salad.
All women are bad for me. At least that`s what my wife says.
Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
The only problem with using the treadmill is that you can`t run from your own farts.
I wish Tony the Tiger would burst into a raisin commercial and yell “They’re graaaapes!”
I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbor mowing the lawn. I figure he`ll just have to mow around me. I`m not moving.
The best part of waking up is.....wait, I didn`t think this through entirely.
What age is the best to break it to my kids, that they`re NOT adopted?
You can call someone who makes prosthetics a professional body builder
1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
Have you ever been cutting a piece of pager with scissors and worried that you might cut an atom in half and destroy the world?
"Wow! That Lean Cuisine really filled me up!" ... said no one, ever.
We could learn a lot from bees. Organization, productivity, community sacrifice, stinging people who annoy us.......
Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.