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I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Only thing harder than quitting cold turkey is quitting warm ham. It`s delicious.
I can`t decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.
How to get laid: 1)Lay on bed... Wait 1 hour until lay becomes past tense
I spend 90% of my time at the gym choosing the right song for my workout.
For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Plus a social media overreaction.
don`t kiss the monitor, just ask me nicely..
The pizza guy just said "see u tomorrow" ...
After I die, there are some people I’m going to haunt the sh!t out of.
You can lead a horse to water but I`d rather ride it to the liquor store.
It`s hard to trust people. Even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
I got up this morning and think I saw my shadow. I´m going back to bed for six weeks.
I usually want to post intelligent and witty comments. But I end up posting stupid and funny ones so my friends can understand them.
Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I`m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
There are only 53 days until Christmas... just a heads-up in case you haven`t shopped for me yet.