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Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
Don`t half a$$ anything. F*ck it up all the way.
I`m glad it`s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.
I have no time for stupid people But they sure seem to have time for me.
I am surprised Cheech and Chong have not filmed a new movie -"Cheech and Chong Smoke Colorado"
I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.
Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a distance, but once you get there it`s just a bunch of sh!t you don`t really need.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it`s probably just as well real lightsabers aren`t available yet.
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
Thumbnail pics. Helping ugly people look hot until you click on them since 1995.
There`s nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.
I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Apparently taking a nap does not qualify as "doing some undercover work"
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.