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Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I`ve been one for 30 some years now.
My son and his friends are great ... They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home.
You must have been born on a highway. Most accidents take place there.
I never thought I`d be one of those people that hit the gym early in the morning ... I was right!
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I`m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
I believe in karma, which is why I`m such a d!ck to total strangers, just in case they deserve it.
I am pretty sure dry cleaning is a scam where they just laugh and rub money on your clothes then hang them back up in a plastic bag.
When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That`s why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I like candle lit dinners, romantic walks on the beach, and hardcore pornography.
Don`t have sex man, it leads to kissing and pretty soon you will have to start talking to her..
I`m not feeling myself today..... Perhaps I should feel someone else.
"nice crocs. where did you get them?" - nobody ever
Weekends will from now on begin on Wednesday because that is when it should truly begin!
"I love you unconditionally*." -God *certain terms and conditions apply. See Bible for more details.