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Redneck word of the day: Twerk "Imma have one more beer then imma get back twerk!"
My resolution last year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
I bet anyone who`s had to fight a bear has snuck at least one hug in
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
You left a note on the fridge saying "This isn`t working. Goodbye" but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don`t get it.
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advise.
Ever wondered why there is a stairway to heaven, and a highway to hell? There´s apparently more traffic going to hell!!
Before I die I`m going to eat a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation should be spectacular.
Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger`s property and make a non-negotiable demand.
When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from Google know it`s urgent.
My math is never so quick or exact as when I see an old flame with a child.
I`m going to switch my car insurance from Geico to Allstate, then to Statefarm, then back to Geico. If my calculations are correct, they should owe me $837
I’ve taken off my pants in most malls that I’ve been to.
If you live up be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people… like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.