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When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told. Twice now.
You know you`re addicted to your iphone when you start using your fingers to zoom into things on your laptop computer. Or a printed photo. Or a book. Or your watch.
If only my ceiling fan could hold my weight, then I would never be bored again.
If weed is ever legalized, I can`t wait to see the commercials...
Never trust a married guys opinion of who`s hot. It`s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
Shout out to sidewalks. Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes
Her: I love it when we finish each other`s Him: pancakes
If one teacher cannot teach every subject, then how come one student is expected to learn all the subjects.
It is amazing how quickly kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, dishwasher, or vacuum cleaner.
Hate it when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and it’s not even in there.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34D.
I want to sleep tighter
Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn’t hear you the first 100 times.
Good thing I`m judged on my actions and not my thoughts.