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If I had a nickel for everytime I told myself I`d quit smoking, I could buy a lot more cigarettes
Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?". I can`t believe kids this age are already so polite.
I have been snoring a lot lately and apparently my coworkers find it distracting
Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of "going to the gym in 2013."
My wife gives me sound advice. 99% sound. 1% advice.
How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Drink till she´s cute, but stop before the wedding
When someone tells you they are getting a divorce, a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told, twice now.
Might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery, the odds are about the same
Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
I wish I was as skinny as I was the first time I thought I was fat.
Vaginas are like the weather. When it`s wet, it`s time to go inside.
i wasnt tht drunk u was holding a ballon thinking it was a comdom
It´s never to late to be happy
I live in fear of finding hidden cameras in my house & not being able to explain why I do all those random karate kicks directed at no one.