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Coffee – because most people frown on alcohol first thing in the morning.
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called “fun sized” should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
I`m not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat`s hair grows back.
Here is your New Years Resolution. All of that stupid sh!t you did last year? Don’t do that crap this year. Done. You’re welcome.
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says "trust me, you don`t want to know."
I`ve single handedly defeated my erection.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
I`ll bet I`m the only one in this grocery store with "sh!t for tacos" on my shopping list.
I see subway employees are still having their "how much lettuce can you fit on a sandwich" contest.
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it`s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with!!
Sometimes I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
Son, you don`t get anything in life without trying hard and working for it. Now be quiet, there about to announce the lottery results...
Tonight I`m playing hard to get off the sofa.
Why must I prove I`m me, if I`m callin to pay my bill. Do strangers call to pay my bills? If they do, then let them, you idiots!
Good thing I got a college degree I think as I put away the kid toys for the 49 billionth time