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The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
“Why is life so hard?” – Me, trying to open a jar of peanut butter.
Be honest, you haven’t even walked a mile in your own shoes.
Me: "I want to travel more." Bank account: "Like, to the park?"
I don`t get enough credit for not going on killing sprees.
Just changed my wireless network name in my apartment to "I can hear you having sex through the ceiling and it sounds mediocre."
They might as well put "Uhhh..." in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
The best part about going to Wal-Mart is having the book aisles all to yourself.
With all the botched executions lately, it has been suggested that we bring back the guillotine. But if we do that I`m sure heads will roll.
I get very annoyed when people mix up there, they`re and their. From now on I`m going to point it out, weather they like it or not.
Do I misuse contractions? Yes, but it`s what it`s.
If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years.
Soon ovens will come with webcams and wireless connections so that posting photos of your dinner will be even easier.
Never go on a blind date with a friend! She was so big when i took her home she went to my backyard and started grazing.