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Whenever I’m bored I stop a stranger and ask “where am I?” and whatever they say I runaway screaming “Hahaha I’m a genius! I can teleport!”
If you bend over and place your ear next to a girls vagina , you can clearly hear her say "WTF are you Doing!"
We can`t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
I could really go for a beer and a million dollars.
Iron man is a super hero, Iron woman is a command.
Does Facebook have a “You’re not smart enough to be talking about politics” button?
my mom and I have so much in common..she doesn`t listen and niether do I :p
My roommate complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
Jake from State Farm works some very crappy hours.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
It`s called fall because everything is falling; leaves, temperature, bank account, gpa, motivation...
Answering all questions with "but you ain`t got no legs Lieutenant Dan" stops people from asking you questions.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong...and a Tax is a fine for doing well
It`s no fun if you have permission.