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According to my nipples, summer is over
If the voices in my head had a British accent I would listen to them more often.
If it hurts when you pee, urine trouble.
Chasing your dreams is hard... especially when that damn alarm keeps going off
Most of you like waking up in the morning to see the "comments" and "likes" that your status received. I like waking up in the morning to see WTF I posted!
When people ask how my childhood was, I say "Pretty good, so far."
Anyone know where I can get a waterproof recliner for my shower?
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Why isn`t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
I`ve been working with this alcohol free program for like six months and it`s really taken a toll on me ... I mean, I`m broke and as far as I`m concerned, they can buy their own alcohol.
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes.
I can`t believe people used to have to paint selfies.
Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you.
Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything.
You know you`ve reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.