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I go to McDonald`s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
Holy crap! I just realized that I´m still it from a game of tag in 1987.
The scariest US president was Rushmore, because he had 4 heads
Calm down ... Take a deep breath and hold it for about 30 minutes.
I can almost always tell when dinosaurs in movies aren’t real.
If my body was a car, I`d trade it in for a newer model. Cause everytime I cough or sneeze, my radiator leeks and my exhaust backfires.
Lord, it`s me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?
Three words to ruin a woman`s ego. "I can`t tell."
I always like seeing those "Baby on Board" stickers because it`s nice to see agreeable babies out there.
Accept the craziness. Life will be a bore without it.
When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.
“Be yourself” is the worst advice you can give to some people.
You don`t have to drink to have fun... Just have fun drinking!
You know you had an awesome night when you need sunglasses to get food out the fridge.
My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.