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I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn`t right all the time.
feels like getting some work done ... so I am sitting down until the feeling passes.
When we catch the people who kill elephants & rhinos, can we pull all their teeth first?
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
I hope the meteorite crash in Russia doesn`t affect the price of Vodka!
Was shopping when a small child riding shotgun in a shopping cart yelling "why you ain`t got no babies?"I bet my father in law paid her
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I`m looking for the thumbs-down button.
that annoying manager who thinks they are god ... you are not ... you are a douche box
I see subway employees are still having their "how much lettuce can you fit on a sandwich" contest.
Gluten free. Dairy free. Fat Free. I love the wine diet!
The awkward moment when you realise you’re wrong in an argument, but you keep arguing anyway.
I like to think all pizzas are personal pizzas.
Pink camouflage: I`m like, where you hiding? Candyland?
I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn`t in a band.
I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i`m pretty sure they`re hallucinations.