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If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it`s working.
My dog acts like his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
I don`t hate you, but if you we`re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Remember kids, NEVER light fireworks. Let the adults, who have been drinking all day, light them instead!
My train of thought is loco, no motive.
If you can´t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don´t know where you are.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle
There really should be awards for getting out of bed.
You know you are getting old when people keep telling you how young you look.
i wish i could sleep ... but my damn A.D.D. kicks in and basically 1 sheep, 2 sheep, cow, turtle, duck, Ol McDonald had a farm, HEEEY Macerena.
If your girl sets her Facebook relationship status to “Widowed”, it’s time to pack a suitcase as fast as possible.
Still waiting for the moment when there will be a "add to wishlist" button on people`s facebook profile !!
Someone once said, “Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” So, I’m pleased to announce the grand opening of my titty squeezing business!!