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Yikes. don`t google "cream pies", google "cream pie recipes"
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner...
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I`m in a liquor store.
People who say they sleep like a baby usually dont have one
Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can`t change a tire for sh*t.
I`d like to eat healthy, but we all know what happened that time Eve ate an apple. Best not to risk it.
I`ll just admire you from afar.. Or 500ft. That`s what this paper says.
I was planning to do something today, but I haven’t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma`am? Me: No, I`m just dizzy b/c I`m having a heavy flow day. It`s really clotty and... Cop: You`re free to go.
Wanna try something funny? Go to a bank and yell "NOBODY MOVE..(Scary pause)..I lost a contact lens."
When I see a hot girl walking by, I like to look at her and blink very fast and repeatedly so it looks like shes walking in slow motion. Everything is better in slow motion =)
Pro Tip: If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says "one second," wait more than one second before entering.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
It was so cold out today i actually saw a few gangsters with their pants pulled up.