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I`d swim across the ocean for you.. Lol, Just kidding. There`s f*cking sharks in there.
Being `clean and sober` means I`ve showered and I`m headed to the liquor store.
It makes me sad that so many women feel like they have to wear makeup and clothes.
Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can`t remember the lyrics.
Keep your marriage fresh by writing each other love notes like "I considered smothering you with a pillow last night but didn`t."
Just got in 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick an ice cube up off the kitchen floor.
Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was “reduced fat” so basically it was like going to the gym.
When in darkness, pray. If you pray and nothing happens, I think it is the high time you paid your electricity bill.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
Funny how people get all angry when you break something of theirs that they don`t ever use. Like turn signals with a baseball bat.
I love the gym this time of year. The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.
FYI: Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long, if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
I`m using voice-to-text to post this status. All I do is talk and it makes a text out of it. It`s really cool... Hey! What are you doing? That`s my phone! Give it back! Come back here, you son of a...
You know you`re a mom when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.
If you can`t say something nice about someone, you probably know the same people I do.