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If I won the lottery, I could make a whole lotta people miserable
Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.
Sometimes, I wish I could fast forward the time just to see if in the end it`s all worth it.
I can’t hang out tonight because I’m done with people for the day.
Whenever I move into a new neighborhood, the first thing I familiarize myself with is the liquor store coz you know priorities.
If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
I`m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
The first snow of spring is always the most beautiful
Life is like a box of chocolates. They never last as long for fat people.
If someone tells you “it’s better than sex” they’re not doing the sex right.
Very little scares me. So does very big.
At any given time my wallet is worth more than its contents.
I hate long distance relationships. That`s why I moved the fridge into my bedroom.
It only takes one person to ruin it for everyone...Be that person.
I must have drank more than I thought last weekend...there`s an entire hour that I don`t remember!