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Maybe teenagers just aren`t strong enough yet to remove the sticker from their hat
Stress balls really work when you shove them down someone`s throat.
I`m really wanting to sit and watch a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Guinness for breakfast because its Ireland somewhere.
Putting vodka in my juice, because it`s Russia somewhere.
If I could just make one thing very clear at this point ... I would.
Congrats on winning an argument with your woman...... Your prize is a night on the couch.
I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today.
I tried jogging this morning, but the alcohol kept spilling out of my glass, f&ck that.
I`d kill for a microwave that plays Europe`s “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.
Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you get out of a DUI.
Fact: if you give your boyfriend a bj each time you act crazy, he`ll not only forgive you,but eventually be thrilled when you act nuts.
I`ve got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let`s do this!
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.