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I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I`m like "That`s enough exercise for today"
I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the age I am now.
I can’t wait until I get that job at Starbucks because I’m going to spell everyone’s name wrong so they can’t instagram their cups.
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
I`m just a boy...standing in front of a girl...asking her to lov.....aw who am I trying to fool. I just want in your pants.
Do feminists look under their beds for the boogie woman?
Even if women came with an instructions manual men still wouldn`t read it.
I declare today, “Hit that dumb person you’ve always wanted to punch in the face day.”
There is nothing more terrifying than sneezing while driving.
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
Dear vegetarians, thanks for saving all the good food for us.
Don`t fall in love, learn how to ruin your life all by yourself.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
When I`m bored, I send a text to a random number saying, " I hid the body, now what?"