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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
When I was a kid…no wait, I still do that.
The older I get the more I understand Squidward`s anger.
I don`t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
I almost got raped in jail last night. My family takes Monopoly very seriously.
A quiet man is a thinking man. A quiet woman is usually mad.
When the girl working the counter says "would you like fries with that?" say.."are you calling me fat??" then burst into tears. Free meal.
I really respect people that don`t drink excessively, gamble, curse, do drugs, spend excessively, act irresponsibly and stay up late. And by "respect" I mean "don`t wanna hang out with"
I never thought you could really guess too low whenever a woman asks you her age. I guess 6 was pushing it.
Depending on how you look at it, half of 8 could be 4, 3, or 0.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
You know what they say about men with big feet ;)..........We always have trouble finding shoes that fit.
It`s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he`s getting hit by a train.
Sweating is for people who do stuff.