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In post apocalyptic movies everyone wears leather ... but there are no cows.
Some people need to calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
Hit me with your pet shark #RuinAn80sSong
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
I´m on a whisky diet. I´ve lost three days already!
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure, When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure, When you drink Whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems, When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems. Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka qualifies right?
If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don’t try and out clever me with your comment. I don’t come over and blow out your candles on your cake.
I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.
Does anyone have a good recipe for homemade gasoline?
Any woman can make you a Millionaire.. You only have to be a Billionaire first.
One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
Who wants to go Smart Car Tipping?