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I wish my mind had a delete button.
If the voices in my head had a British accent I would listen to them more often.
I might enjoy work more if at the end of the day I could slide down the back of a brontosaurus directly into my car.
Do you know who invented the Knock Knock joke? I don`t know either, but whoever did should get a no bell prize.
Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got it!
One man`s girlfriend is another man`s password.
I totally love and fully respect that you`re a little bit slutty
We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.
Marriage counselling: Because sometimes your wife needs to hear from a professional that she`s being a bitch.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I`m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.
Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific
My favorite part about your rant on how much you hate social media sites was when you posted it from a social media site.
You´d be amazed how often I´m wrong when people say guess what