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Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
I really need a long road trip, top down, in the Jeep...with a cooler....loud music....and an extra cooler in case the first one isn`t enough
The responsibility of taking out the trash should be left to the person who runs out of ways to fit more trash in the bag.
It`s Friday the 13th. Good thing I`m not superstitious, it`s unlucky to be superstitious...
If the waitress in the One Bell Pub is reading this can we please have our pudding now, cheers
Watching MTV Cribs makes me feel better about downloading music off the internet.
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them.
Hey,,,, I said I`d be there in 10 minutes... Quit calling me every half hour.
When someone says "everything happens for a reason" I`d like to smack them and say "yeah, I guess you`re right"
Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don’t really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don’t really mean it.
Everyone please stop doing crimes because sirens are too noisy.
Friday. The golden child of the weekdays. The superhero of the workweek. The welcome wagon to the weekend. The famous F word we thank God for every week.
I went around the block with my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.