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Five years ago my boss asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I finally know the answer: Not Here
I hate it when I`m in a crowded elevator and yell out "GROUP HUG!" and people look at me all weird and stuff.. Making friends is hard.
Never seen anyone jogging and smiling, so that’s all I need to know about that.
Give a kid a Pop Tart and they eat for a day. Teach a kid how to make a Pop Tart and you sleep in all summer
Mondays aren`t so bad... it`s my job that sucks.
I don`t think America should elect a president in 2016. We need to be single for a few years and find ourselves.
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks, why is there a light in the fridge??
If you like someone, set them free. If they comeback, it means nobody liked them. Set them free again.
Golf ball sized hail wouldn`t be as destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.
Why is it when I flush the toilet in the middle of the night, I have a feeling I woke up the entire neighbourhood?
Pokémon means a totally different thing if you`re stuck in prison.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. Unless your wife finds out.
"You blew a tranny" means something completely different to an auto mechanic.
You bring a baby monitor to the bar one time and everyone freaks out.
You must be a parking ticket or something for the word FINE is written all over you.