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St. Patricks day is the only time you can ask somebody in public,"Do you want some green" without you looking suspect.
If we can have HD video from Mars,,, then I should have 4 bars on my phone everywhere I go.
Checking the time on your phone twice because you were`nt paying attention the first time
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
Every pizza is a personal pizza, if you try hard and believe in yourself.
Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?
That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
Due To ObamaCare and the poor economy Holiday Cheer this year will be distributed in Shot Glasses...
Every novel is a mystery, if you never finish it.
If you don`t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Wanted a nap but had trouble getting to sleep. So I put on Seeking a Friend for the End of the World. Now 13 hours later, I`m well rested.
It would be funny if the husband is actually sleeping with the Jake from state Farm.
Just when you think someone couldn`t be any more annoying I test your theory.
Back in my day it was called daydreaming…not ADHD.
Someone stole my identity and returned it 10 minutes later.