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On my tombstone I want it to say: ‘I didn’t forward the text message to 15 friends.” ;)
My fortune cookie read "End of roll. Replace"
My car said "low on fuel"..I replied "low on cash"..I`m still waiting for a reply..
I pretend to like people everyday. It`s called being an adult. That`s why we`re allowed to buy booze.
We`re sorry to announce that due to budget cuts the beloved carol "Silver Bells" will be replaced with the more cost effective carol "Aluminium Bells".
Women are angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we continue to fly…on a broomstick. We’re flexible that way.
Whenever I give money to the homeless, I get yelled at that "they are just gonna buy booze with it". All I can think is ... Oh like I wasn`t ..
I understand vampires being invisible in mirrors, but what the hell happens to their clothes?
Sometime when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
Happy 4/21! National work drug testing day!
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
After a night of heavy drinkin’ there’s one thing I can’t stand… and that’s up.
Somewhere the inventor of yoga pants is near death from all the high fives and non-stop free tequila shots he gets.
I wish I was Robinson Cruso. Coz, I can have `Friday` everyday :) TGIF guys..cheers ;)