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“Wow! My political opinion just changed because of what you posted on Facebook” – said no one ever.
I don`t know why I don`t buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the shit out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
It`s amazing how many people are diagnosed with a disease as soon as there`s a pill available for it.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, “Yes, we’ve met before.” So they feel awkward trying to remember me.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Laughter with large amounts of alcohol & wild crazy monkey sex - now that`s the best medicine.
When will math grow up and start solving its own problems
your status deserves a standing ovation but I`m lazy I`ll just click `like`
Where do all the ice cream men go in winter?
Pregnancy test confirmed me my worst fear.......I`m just fat
Thanks to yesterday`s chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.
Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?
To all the students who drop out of high school: Remember two things, 1) You tried your best. 2) I don`t like pickles on my BigMac.
People say that I have no idea what hard work is. That`s not true! I know exactly what it is... How do you think I avoid it so easily?
The best thing about my phone screen shattering is that it now matches my dreams and aspirations.